Forgive me for the puerile nature of this post.
But I feel like having a little fun. I've just returned to Canada, and I'm housesitting for my parents while they're on vacation. I'm in a small town so there isn't too much to do aside from work. And there certainly doesn't appear to be too many nice women around here.
Out of curiosity, I jumped on Tinder last night. I was assailed with an overabundance of heavy-set girls riding ATVs and/or holding rifles.
Such is my hometown.
After that ghastly incident I found myself sitting in the dark, reminiscing about the different kinds of Latinas I've hooked-up with throughout Latin America. Sad, I know, but any guy who's travelled has done the same.
And what do you know - I came up with an idea for a post.
Based on my own experience, which I have no reason to believe would be vastly different from the experience of any other 20 or 30-something male, I've found that all the Latinas I've been with can loosely be grouped into 10 different categories.
So, with that in mind, I've compiled a list (complete with pictures and personal anecdotes) of the 10 types of Latinas you're likely to hook-up with in Latin America.
The 10 Types Of Latinas You'll Hook Up With In Latin America
1) The "Sexy" One
Ahhh, the sexy one. As a Canadian with virtually no exposure to Latin America, this was the image of Latinas exported to me as a child. While travelling in the USA with my family, I distinctly recall flipping through the channels of our budget hotel rooms and seeing impossibly sexy telenovela actresses like Eiza Gonzales (left) and Mexican weather girls like Yanet Garcia (right).
Come to think of it, its really no wonder why I became interested in life south of the border.
Needless to say when I actually went to Latin America for the first time I got more of an (ahem) "realistic" view of what the women are like. That's not to say they aren't great, just know that this isn't the norm.
The "Sexy" one can be identified (almost exclusively at upscale nightclubs) through her tight, form-fitting clothing attached to a stunning body, above-average height long luxurious hair, dark eye make-up and red lipstick. They are difficult to approach at night because they are invariably part of a large social group, and their preferred partying spots are social-circle oriented bars (tables and bottle service). You won't see them out during the day.
So, what are your chances of hooking-up with one of these beauties? Well, it's not going to be easy...but it's not impossible. If I'm being honest with myself, in what amounts to a grand total of about 3 years in Latin America, I've only ever gotten with 2 girls that can even be considered as approaching the same category as the girls in the above photo. And that was mostly due to a combination of favourable circumstance, social circle and luck. Hell, in some countries you'll have trouble finding girls like this let alone having sex with them (I'm looking at you Guatemala and Peru), but I digress.
Point is, if you spend enough time in Brazil, Colombia, Mexico or Argentina, take care of yourself, speak good Spanish and get in with a solid social circle, I'm confident that you'll tick "Sexy Latina" off of your list.
2) The "Aztec Princess"
Moving on to the "Aztec Princess." Where Indigenous and European features combine perfectly to create a truly breathtaking woman. I used to be afraid to approach these girls out of fear I'd be rejected outright, but then something happened that made me realize that "pretty" is a relative term in this part of the world.
Allow me to elaborate.
A Mexican friend of mine invited me to the party of one of his co-workers. The host was gorgeous. Twenty-five years old, beautiful eyes and lips, high cheekbones; nearly perfect facial features. Looked a lot like Aislinn Derbez (right) Naturally, I asked him about her.
"She has a boyfriend," he said. "Why? Do you think she's hot?"
"Of course," I replied, thinking that should have been assumed. "You don't?"
"No!" He said with a laugh. "All the guys joke about her in the office because she looks Indian."
I was stunned and didn't believe him. But then I met her boyfriend: ugly, terrible haircut and at least 30 pounds overweight. I started to think that her value wasn't actually as high here as I thought it should be.
I've seen this pairing play out often in Latin America: pretty, somewhat indigenous girl with busted dude. It's no secret down here that local guys would much rather take a frumpy Scandinavian with blonde hair and bad skin over Carmen Villalobos (left). This means that these gals are a lot more open to being approached than you might think. They are also great candidates for long and short term relationships, in my opinion.
The "Aztec Princess" is undoubtedly going to be one of the 10 types of girls you'll hook-up with down here in Latin Land.
3) The "Cute" One
The cute one. Otherwise known as my Latin American niche. This is where I live.
Fellas, it's time to get a bit more personal than you might be comfortable with.
This right here ⬆️ - this is my kryptonite. For reasons unknown to all but God, I have an insatiable appetite for this kind of girl. I truly don't know why, but I do know it runs deep in my bones. On a profound, biological level. Maybe my genes would match well with theirs. Maybe it has to do with some pseudo-sexual early childhood experience.
Anyone's guess, really.
All I know is that when I see it, I have to have it.
And if I get her into bed, I hear whispers from my evolutionary past pleading with me not to use a condom. I don't often get 'oneitis,' but if I do, it is ALWAYS for a girl like this. Explains my recent experience in Peru, I suppose. Welcome to my world.
Also probably explains why I'm so at home in Central Mexico. I swear they're making Selena Gomez (left) and Paulina Gaitan (right) in goddamn cloning machines down there...
And, as luck would have it, my demeanour, looks and personal style also seem to attract this kind of girl. And more often than not, our personalities are compatible. This makes me a great wingman since my first choice in a group of girls (⬆️) isn't usually the same as my friend's.
Avoids us stepping on each other's dicks.
So, long story short, the "Cute" girl is numero 3 of the 10 girls you're likely to knock boots with in LATAM.
Just remember, I've probably fucked her first.
4) the Hipster/indie One
Now we're on to the "Hipster/Indie" Latina. Normally identifiable by her fashion sense (lack thereof), which can be observed above through the examples of Ximena Sariñana (left) and Martha Higareda (right).
Contrary to the "Cute" Latinas, I DO NOT jive well with the hipster ones. I can manage to hook-up with them with varying success (if I grow my beard and wear a beanie to the club), but I can never keep them in my rotation for very long.
Here's the thing: contrary to popular belief, the hipster/indie/odd-ball is the most narcissistic and uninteresting woman out there. They're always struggling with some insignificant, manufactured internal conflict such as parental strife or not being able to get over their first boyfriend, and their personalities are nothing more than an amalgamation of the protagonists of obscure movies they think no one else has seen. Because they believe they are unique and special, they'll think that their petty problems can serve as justification for flaking or bad behaviour ("I'm dealing with a lot of stuff right now;" "You can't understand what I'm going through" etc).
I know, I've just described all women, but these hipster girls take it to a whole different level down here.
In Mexico City, they were all over the dating sites and well represented at two of my preferred bars, so I had quite a bit of experience dealing with this brand of gal, particularly during my first six months. I gave it my best but I just don't get on with them - 50% of the time I dropped them, the other 50% they dropped me. My longest jaunt with one lasted about 10 weeks.
It is what it is.
Hopefully you'll do better.
5) The Free-Spirited/world traveller One
Yes, the "Backpacker/Free-Spirit." Speaks perfect English, has lived abroad in Europe for at least one semester and has buried more bones than an undertaker (sorry). Can usually be seen hanging around hostels despite residing in the city that the hostel is located in.
Her style can vary, so I've just picked two random photos of Latinas: Vanessa Hudgens (left) Michelle Rodriguez (right). Although I think this photo of Vanessa Hudgens fits the bill quite well.
I don't really run 'hostel game' so to speak, and I also try to avoid hostels at all costs, so I haven't hooked-up with the free-spirited backpacker in her natural habitat.
But, like almost every other guy who has travelled in a foreign country, I've had an encounter (or more...) with "Gringo-Hunters."
One story in particular jumps to mind.
I started hooking-up with a girl I met on Tinder. We'll call her Erica. Erica had a very nice body, but her face was seriously lacking. Since I fancy myself somewhat of a "face man," I knew I wouldn't be able to keep it going long term. That, and the fact that she had copious amounts of photos with foreign guys all over her Facebook kind of turned me off. After a few weeks, I decided to cut it off.
Months later, my roommate informs me that he met a cool Scottish guy and asks if he can invite him to my going away party. I say sure.
The guy shows up at the party and I recognize him, but I can't figure out why. I have a pretty good memory for faces and finally it occurs to me: he was one of the guys in Erica's photos. So, I ask him about it and it turns out...
We were fucking her during the same period of time!
Anyhow, yeah, the free-spirited world traveller girl will definitely be under you at some point in Latin America.
6) The "Posh" One
The "Posh" Latina (known as Fresa in Mexico, Pituca in Peru, Gomela in Colombia). They can usually be seen hanging around the same kinds of places as the aforementioned "Sexy" Latina. However, they try to compensate for their lack of sexiness by wearing expensive clothes. A lot of people think that posh Latinas are bitchy, but it hasn't been my experience.
Instead, I'd call them "politely dismissive."
These girls are a struggle to pick-up because they won't give you any indicators of interest. I once had a posh girl in a club tell me that her posh friend liked me. That posh friend then proceeded to ignore my advances all night until closing time, at which point she tepidly suggested that I take her back to my place.
I tend to avoid upscale shopping malls and nightclubs with exorbitant cover charges, so I've only managed to get with 3 or 4 posh girls in my life. Unfortunately, none quite as nice as the women above: Stephanie Cayo (left, and probably the hottest girl ever born in Peru) and Valerie Dominguez (right).
And a word of warning: they don't do anything in bed. Think "Starfish." Or, as it's known in Japan, "Frozen Tuna."
7) The "Barrio" One
Oh indeed, the "Barrio" one. These are fun. Most often seen wearing enormous hoop earrings, long fingernails, a fake Micheal Kors watch and/or on the back of a yellow motorcycle being driven by a felon. Can usually be spotted living by the airport.
I got my fill of this in Central America and Colombia, so I didn't indulge too much in Mexico.
...Alright, maybe once or twice but who's counting?
Here's what you need to know.
First of all, you need to be careful with these girls. A lot of them will have boyfriends they're not telling you about and a lot of these boyfriends could be dangerous. Seriously. Don't fuck around if you find out she's got one.
Second, they are some of the best manipulators on earth. Believe what they say at your own peril. The barrio girl will use her wiles to try to get you to buy her clothes, expensive meals and even cell phone minutes (much more common in Colombia than anywhere else).
Third, they are crazy and jealous. This can be fun for awhile, especially if you're new to it, but it gets old. It gets old fast.
For example, one of the few times I messed with a chica del barrio in Mexico City ended with her driving to my house drunk and uninvited from the outskirts of the city and getting in a car accident (she was OK, a few stitches).
The upside is that they are usually better at sex than anyone else on the list. And if you find one that looks like María Fernanda Yépes (right) or Alejandra Pinzon (left). I know you'll swiftly ignore all my warnings.
I can't blame you for that.
8) The Average-But-You'd-Still-Do-It one
Alright, if we're being completely honest, this is where most guys will be living. Especially on their first trip to Latin America and with limited Spanish. And that's OK! God knows I've been there. And, let's be real, I still go there. I think we all do from time to time.
As a matter of fact, one of the girls I had a long term arrangement with in Mexico City - an arrangement that continued right up until the time I left - fell soundly into "average" bracket, but she was fun, had a great personality and was amazing at sex. I'm not ashamed in the least.
Pictured above is Emily Rios (left) and Lucy Cominetti (right). Two girls I'd say are average, but still very much doable.
9) The "Cougar"
Full disclosure: my "cougar game" is weak. Needs work. A lot of work. Despite trying, I've only been with 2 women over the age of 35 (to my knowledge) in Latin America, and they weren't quite as nice as the ladies pictured above: Catherine Siachoque (left) and Patricia Ercole (right).
If I can do it you can do it.
It is, however, something I'd like to look into more. My limited experience with older Latinas has been positive. I met them both at bars and there were no bullshit seduction games and they both knew what to do in bed.
Major cities in Latin America will have bars geared toward older women looking to meet younger guys, but I wouldn't recommend them. At least judging by Mexico City, they aren't located in the nicest areas, the women are pretty terrible and there is a weird Pay for Play vibe going on.
Instead, I'd try semi-upscale hotel lounges and bars. That's what I plan to do when I settle in my next destination. I don't know if it will yield any results, but it seems to be a logical place to meet older, single women whose looks won't send you running for the hills.
I hope to see you there ;).
10) The "Untouchable" One
I've saved the best for last.
I mentioned in a recent podcast that I'd done my time in the trenches here in Latin America. I wasn't lying. And although I'd like to say I haven't gone as low as Snooki (left) or Ugly Betty (right...although in all fairness my Google search revealed that America Ferrera isn't looking all that bad anymore), it's been fairly goddamn close.
Gather 'round because it reminds me of a tale.
It was my third month living in Mexico City. My roommate had a date coming over and she was bringing a friend for me. A friend she described as a "beautiful half-Colombian half Mexican."
In short, she wasn't.
She was that tall, awkward, lanky girl from your high school. Her body was as flat as her personality and her face was so bad that she couldn't seduce a Turk.
After several drinks, my roommate was making out with his girl and the half Colombian was moving her hand up my thigh. They retired to his room to fuck, and I was left with two choices:
1) I could diffuse the situation and try to play chess or bridge with this girl while her friend was getting railed.
2) I could have sex with her.
I don't think I need to tell you which route I took.
Fact of the matter is, we've all done an untouchable or two. It's not something we're proud of, but nor is it something we'll regret on our deathbeds. Key is not to make a habit out of it.
If you make it down to Latin America (and I hope you do) you'll take down a few of these. Send me an email when you do if you need someone to laugh with.
This post got a bit strange, but we had fun, right?
I hope I've helped give you some insight into what kind of women you can expect to hook-up with in Latin America.
I also hope I've dazzled you with my expansive knowledge of Latina celebrities.
As for me, it's 5:00 am here in Canada, I'm 3/4 of a bottle deep and feeling unbearably nostalgic.
I'll have to edit this tomorrow.
Until next time,
(Click Here to learn how to change your Tinder Location for free).