Cusco City Guide

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OVERVIEW: Located high up in the Andes Mountains of southeastern Peru. A very important destination for commodity travellers who want to take pictures with indigenous kids and pose in front of Manchu Picchu, which is only a day trip away.

 

POPULATION: 360,000

 

WEATHER: Subtropical highland (10-20 °C). Coldest in July, but never cold enough to snow.

 

SAFETY: A lot of swindlers and pesky little pickpocketing kids in Cusco, but nothing too sinister. It's very unlikely that you will be a victim of violent crime here, but you may very well "lose" your cellphone.

 

MUST DO: Baratillo Market. Is most of the shit stolen? Probably, but there are some good deals. Touted by tourists as "the place that tourists don't know about," but they know. They all fucking know. So now it's ruined.

 

RENT AN APARTMENT IN CUSCO: $300.00.

 

HOSTEL DORM BED/NIGHT $10.00 or less to stay in Cusco.

 

NIGHTLIFE IN CUSCO: 7/10 

Several bars to choose from in Cusco, and open every day of the week. Unfortunately you'll have to share it with the worse examples of hippie gringo tourists. But least there's still fun to be had. Plaza de Armas is where all the action is. There are pubs, salsa bars, discos, sports bars, hip-hop and rock spots. Quite a good selection, but not the greatest company.

I recommend: El Muki or BajoZeroHowever, if you REALLY need to get laid in Cusco, head to Mama Africa, a truly foul place full of tourists and Cusco's infamous bricheras (easy local girls who love gringos).

 

BOTTLE OF BEER: $2.00

 

CHANCE OF HOOKING-UP IN CUSCO: 9/10 

Francisco Pizarro was just the tip of the iceberg; the white man has been slayin' Peruvians ever since. But, joking aside, it is foolishly easy to hook up with girls in Cusco. However, due to that, it is also devastatingly unrewarding. Enough time in Cusco would turn Elmo into a nihilist. It's too easy to lose sight of your goals here and descend into the whirlwind of pussy and the twisted sense of self-affirmation that comes with it. And before you know it, you've spent six months here "learning Spanish" without an ounce of self-improvement to show for it. But, if you keep a level-head you'll have a great time. If girls in Cusco want to get to know you, they'll let you know by staring and/or smiling at you. This is your cue to approach. If you know any Spanish whatsoever your work is basically done and you can throw it on cruise control for the rest of the night. If you don't know Spanish, as a gringo-hunter, they'll probably speak English. Be a gentleman, buy her some drinks, dance, and if you ask her to come back to your place at the end of the night, she probably will. Like shooting gash in a barrel.

***ONLINE DATING: Latin American Cupid allows you to talk with girls and set up dates before you arrive in the country. For this reason, I recommend it.

 

ARE GIRLS HOT IN CUSCO?: 6.25/10.

Short (5'5" or less). Beautiful sometimes, but more often just cute. This is fairly representative of Cusco's prettier girls. So no, girls are not that hot in Cusco, but they are hot enough.

 

LEARNING SPANISH

If you want to meet women in Peru, you will need to speak some Spanish. The Pickup Spanish program is the only course of its kind, designed specifically to teach you Spanish for meeting Latinas in Latin America.

 

GROCERIES: Milk (1L)= $1.30   Loaf of Bread= $1.75   Eggs= $1.70   Water (1.5L)= $1.00   Cigarettes= $3.50

 

JOB OPPORTUNITIES: Yes!...well kind of. Plenty of volunteer opportunities with NGOs helping out and teaching English and whatnot, but most are unpaid or will even cost you money to register.

 

TAXI: Should be around $1.00 to get around - it's a rather small city.

 

NOTES: If you'd just had a breakup and need to get the poison out, come to Cusco. If you're a virgin, come to Cusco. If you need to forget about life for awhile, come to Cusco. If you're interested in the Inca Empire, come to Cusco. But, if you're looking to get away from intolerably entitled white tourists who use "spiritual and cultural enlightenment" as a vale for doing cheap drugs and fucking other travellers in a developing country, don't come to Cusco.

 

 

OVERALL RATING: 7/10

*More city guides from Peru here!