Mazatlan, Sinaloa - May 2016:
I felt the condom break a few short minutes after I made ingress. But I decided to keep going.
If she had something, I figured the damage was already done; a few more strokes wouldn't make the difference.
Eventually, I came clean.
"El condón se rompió," I said.
"Esta bien, tengo otro."
Now, I already had the not-so sneaking suspicion that this woman's vagina had seen more traffic than the London Underground. And the fact that she carried her own condoms all but confirmed it.
I slid it on anyway and continued where we'd left off.
On the flight back to Mexico City, I began to worry. Despite being judicious (more or less...) about not raw-dogging strangers, I had still contracted Chlamydia twice in my life. I'm convinced that I'm more susceptible to STDs than other men.
But, after a time, I forgot about it. What was done was done.
It was several weeks later when I started noticing things. The ol' chap just didn't feel quite right. My morning piss was accompanied by a slight burning sensation and occasionally the area around the hole looked red and swollen.
I told myself to relax. I knew I was prone to psychosomatic symptoms due to paranoia from my past bouts with Chlamydia.
I continued to ignore it. Until a couple weeks ago.
It was at that time that I notice a dull ache in my testicles. Not wanting to jump to conclusions, I waited to see if it would go away.
I knew it was time for a test.
The Mexican STD Test I'll Never Forget
Now, this ain't my first rodeo. I've had a few STD tests done south of the border so I knew what to expect. I was even familiar with the dreaded "urethral swab" test - still the preferred method for testing Chlamydia and Gonorrhea down here - in which they insert a tiny swab ever so slightly up the end of that little hole on the end of your dick to collect a culture. Uncomfortable, but not particularly painful.
It looks like this:
I was prepared.
Unfortunately, I was in for a tremendously unpleasant surprise.
After explaining the procedure, the lab tech (he couldn't have been a doctor) showed me the device that HE'D be using.
It looked more like this:
It was this:
Nevertheless, I didn't like the idea of it travelling up my dick.
"What is that?" I asked. "Isn't the...
(fuck, I didn't know the word for 'swab' in Spanish)
"...isn't it usually smaller?"
"No," he said. "This is it."
Motherfucker. I thought
"Fine," I said.
I sat down on the bed. He asked me to put on gloves, explaining to me that I'd be responsible for opening up the hole at the end of my dick while he shoved the rod in.
The two other times I had this done, they opened my dick for me with their free hand. I was also laying on the bed as opposed to sitting.
"Hey, have you done this before?" I asked
"The test isn't very common," he replied.
(No joke. He actually fucking said this).
I complied. It was too late to back out. I opened the hole, and in it went.
The sensation was such that I couldn't help groaning in pain. I watched for as long as I could, until the end of the bristles disappeared.
It felt like I was getting fucked in the dick.
He moved it around the walls of my urethra to get a full sample as I nearly blacked out.
And that was only the first swab.
The second one was considerably worse. The first one had obviously damaged my tube, so this one felt even more raw. This time I couldn't watch.
I clenched my teeth, closed my eyes and took it up the Jap's eye as best I could. When he finally pulled out, I opened my eyes. Sweating, lightheaded, blurry vision.
I've never passed out before but I think I was close.
(The sadist cocksucker also made me take my urine test AFTER the swab, which was almost as painful).
I limped home. A broken man.
...So, what's the lesson here?
You might think it would be something like "Practice safe sex and buy high quality condoms."
The dangers of STDs are hugely overblown. Most are easily treated with a few pills, and condoms don't even fully protect against the more sinister ones like herpes and certain strains of HPV.
And unless you're casting your dick into intravenous drug users, you probably have a better chance of winning the lottery than catching HIV or Hepatitis.
Instead, my advice is this:
IF YOU THINK YOU HAVE SOMETHING IN LATIN AMERICA, GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET SOME PILLS. FUCK THE LAB TEST.
I've since learned that's what everyone here does anyway. Doctors give out drugs like you take a piss. Antibiotic abuse just isn't a big concern in Latin America.
Preferable to going through this barbaric, medieval procedure.
I'll get my lab test results on Monday to see if this was all in vain.
I'll update the post and let you all know.
**UPDATE: I'm clean. 😊